The Persian Academy Awards - A Purim Shpiel

The Persian Academy Awards

A Purim Shpiel

Cast:

REUVEN SEACREST

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS

ESTHER

MORDECAI

HAMAN

VASHTI

MEMUCAN

HEGAI

BIGTHAN

TERESH

ORCHESTRA

REUVEN SEACREST:             Welcome to the Persian Academy Awards! I’m Reuven Seacrest. Tonight we pay tribute to the most influential movers and shakers of the Megillat Esther. We honor the bravest, the brightest, the hottest, the cleverest, and the most talented. We applaud audacity, tenacity, veracity, and mendacity.

But first, who is that coming down the red carpet! It’s Queen Esther herself? Esther, can we get a word from you?

ESTHER:                     Sure!

REUVEN SEACREST: Can we get more than one word from you?

ESTHER:                     You bet!

REUVEN SEACREST: So, Esther. You are up for Best Female Protagonist in a Leading Role. Some say you are a shoe-in for your bravery and the fact that you may have saved the entire Persian Jewish population from annihilation. The word on the street is that your cunning, quick thinking, and self-sacrifice prevented one of the worst massacres of our time.

ESTHER:                     Gosh! Thank you.

REUVEN SEACREST: So, naturally, I have to ask you...who are you wearing?

ESTHER:                     Well, naturally when I realized that my life meant nothing if my people were destroyed, I knew I had to act and…what? Wearing? Oh, uh, this is a gown by Elishava, the hot new designer from Ethiopia. Note the strands of ebony and gold sequins that highlight the stripes of black and white.

REUVEN SEACREST: Black and white? Really, I would have said blue and orange. Well, no matter. Look over there! It’s Haman, the former primer minister of the Persian Empire, second only to the big man Ahasuerus himself. Haman, can we have a word with you?

HAMAN:                      No.

REUVEN SEACREST: Wonderful! So, tell me Haman, you are up for Best Villain in a Leading Role. The tabloids are buzzing with the sheer audacity of your plan to bamboozle a king and eliminate an entire people, solely because of a centuries old clan war. Some say the intricacy of your scheme is only matched by your sheer hatred of Jews. So naturally, I have to ask…who are you wearing?

HAMAN:                      No one. I don’t have anyone’s skin wrapped around me. Yet.

REUVEN SEACREST: Sure. but I mean that hat you’re wearing. That’s quite an interesting hat? What can you tell us about it?

HAMAN:                      It has three corners. Duh. Otherwise it wouldn’t be mine.

REUVEN SEACREST: Of course! Oh, and it sounds like the show is about to start. Let’s send it over to Shpiel Pinchas Harris.

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Thank you Reuven. Welcome everyone to the 1^st Annual Persian Academy Awards. I’m your host Shpiel Pinchas Harris. Welcome to the show where we honor the best and goyist…uh whitest…uh brightest! I am excited, delighted, and thrilled to announce the winners of our most respected and revered award, The Ahasher. Tonight we honor the bravest heroes, the nastiest villains, and in a previously taped segment that will never see the light of day, all the artists, editors, composers, and writers who actually made the Megillah happen. But who cares about them? On with the show!

EVERYONE:    OPENING SONG: CHAG PURIM

                                                Chag Purim, Chag Purim, Chag gadol hu la y’hudim

                                                Masechot, ra’ashanim, z’mirot rikudim

                                                Havah narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!

                                                Havah narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!

                                                Havah narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!

                                                Ba-ra-a-shanim

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Here to announce our first award is Memucan, King Ahasuerus’s personal advisor.

MEMUCAN: Thank you, Shpiel. The award for Best Male Protagonist in a Leading Role goes to the man who most influenced the story of Purim. The first nominee for this award is King Ahahasuerus, the most powerful of kings, the most awesome of leaders, whose reign stretches to one hundred and twenty-seven provinces as far as Persia and Media. The second nominee is Mordechai, some Jewish guy from Shushan. And the Ahasher goes to…what? Mordechai, the Jewish guy!

AHASUERUS:              Awesome, dude! Like I am so stoked about winning this award. This is most excellent, and I…

MEMUCAN:                Uh, sire?

AHASUERUS:              What, man? Why are you ruining my speech? That’s like, totally heinous.

MEMUCAN:                Um, uh, it was Mordechai who won. The, uh, academy chose Mordechai.

AHASUERUS:              Bogus, man.

MORDECHAI:             Thank you, I’ll take that award. I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank Esther, my cousin, whose bravery was an inspiration to all of us. I’d like to thank my father Jair, son of Shimei, son of Kish. And I’d like to thank my mother Sally. I’d like to thank all the people of Shushan for believing in me, for believing in my dream of a united Persia between all peoples…

ORCHESTRA:              (Humming any Purim tune) La la la la la la!

 SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Aaaand, we’re back. Here to announce the second award is Hegai, the king’s eunuch. Boy, talk about a job I would never ever want to get.

HEGAI:                        It’s not so bad, really.

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Really?

HEGAI:                        No, I lie. It stinks. Anyway, the first nominee for Best Female Protagonist in a Leading Role is Queen Esther, the brave, beautiful young lady who risked it all to save her people. The second nominee is Queen Vashti, the now banished queen who turned refusal of a king’s order into a feminist rallying cry. And the Ahasher goes to…Queen Esther!

VASHTI:                      Typical.

AHASUERUS:              So, like, I’d like to thank the Academy, and…what? Aw, man, again? That’s totally gnarly, man.

VASHTI:                      Sisters unite! Fight the patriarchy! Fight the establishment! Fight the real enemy! I should have been the winner, not some obsequious little brat. I stick my neck out,  and I get banished. She sticks her neck out, and she gets half the kingdom. Is that fair?

ESTHER:                     Thank you, everyone. Thank you. I’d like to thank the Academy, and I’d like to thank my handsome king, and I’d like to thank my cousin Mordechai, and I’d like to thank Hegai the eunuch who did wonders for my hair and wardrobe, and…and…and, I’d like to thank all the little people back in Shushan who I’m sure played their little role in all of this, and I’d like…

ORCHESTRA:              (Humming any Purim tune) La la la la la la!

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Oh, I could listen to that woman talk all night. And we almost did. Well, here to announce our final award are Bigthan and Teresh, the king’s most disreputable and evil guards.

BIGTHAN:                   Oh, you’re gonna make me blush. But enough about me. The first nominee for Best Villain is Haman, the former prime minister of all Persia who lied about the Jews to the king and plotted their complete annihilation. The second nominee is Zeresh, Haman’s greedy wife who…

TERESH:                     It should have been us, you know. We should have received a nomination.

BIGTHAN:                   What?

TERESH:                     I mean, we were going to kill the king. How amazingly bad is that, right? But no, we don’t get a nomination because we weren’t even considered important enough to have any lines. We plot to kill the king, and we don’t get any lines.

BIGTHAN:                   Well, you’re sure talking now. Can I read the winner yet?

TERESH:                     Sure. Go ahead. Do what you got to do.

BIGTHAN:                   And the Ahasher goes to…Haman, the most evil man in the entire Purim story!

HAMAN:                      I’d like to thank the Academy…

ORCHESTRA:              (Humming any Purim tune) La la la la la la!

HAMAN:                      Hey, I wasn’t done…

ORCHESTRA:              (Humming louder) La la la la la la!!!

HAMAN:                      Fine.

SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Good night, everyone, and thank you for joining us!

Socca and Stew

It’s good to know that I still have much to learn about international cuisine. Just when I think I’ve learned everything there is to know about vegetarian cooking, something new pops out at me. Today’s lesson: socca. Socca is a vegan, gluten-free (for thems that cares) flatbread made of chickpea flour, olive oil, water, and salt. It can be seasoned with rosemary, pepper, or a variety of other spices. Socca originated in Genoa, Italy, as farinata. Other versions of the flatbread popped up in Tuscany (cecina), Nice (socca), Algeria (karanita), and a number of other cities.

And I’ve never heard of this before. Ever. It kind of boggles the mind and makes me wonder what else I am missing.

Tonight I made socca to go along with brown rice and a Moroccan-style chickpea stew. I am not printing the recipe for socca because you can all go find a good recipe out there with a pretty simple Google search. However, I promised my youngest son that I would print the recipe for my stew, especially since I pretty much came up with it on the fly. ‘Cause I’m pretty darn amazing…even if I’ve never heard of socca before.

Moroccan-Style Chickpea Stew

• 1 Tbs olive oil
• ¼ cup onion, chopped
• ½ cup bell pepper, chopped
• 1-2 tsp finely chopped ginger root
• 2 cloves garlic, crushed
• 2-3 medium sized red potatoes, cut into ½- inch pieces
• 3 carrots, peeled and cut into ½-inch pieces
• 1 cup raw baby spinach leaves
• 2 x 15 oz. cans of chick peas, drained and rinsed
• 15 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
• ½ tsp. turmeric
• ¼ tsp. allspice

In a large frying pan, sauté the onion, bell pepper, and ginger root in the oil until the onions are just translucent. Add the garlic, carrots, and potatoes and sauté a couple minutes more. Stir in the tomato sauce, chick peas, and spices. Cover and simmer about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the potatoes are fork tender. Serve over rice or cous cous.

Huevos Burritos Jardin

Here's another recipe I invented while thinking about everything I had in the refrigerator. One of my sons will not each raw spinach...or at least not without vociferous protest. So, what to do with the spinach leaves...what to do with the spinach leaves...
I asked my sons to help me come up with a name for the dish, and after negotiating and rejecting some of their ideas, I came up with huevos burritos. The 'jardin' is because of the chunky vegetables. One could even increase the spinach or add more greens and call it huevos burritos verde. And, I suppose if someone was of the omniverous ilk, one could create a huevos burritos carne. But the Wolfsong Diner does not support such an abomination. So there.
HUEVOS BURRITOS JARDIN

• 2 cups chopped vegetables
• Onion
• Bell pepper
• Carrot
• Celery
• Raw spinach leaves
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 15 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 2 x 15 oz. cans of black or pinto beans, drained and rinsed
• 1/4 cup prepared picante
• 1 tablespoon chili powder
• 6 eggs, beaten separately
• 3/4 cup of shredded cojack cheese

Sauté the vegetables in the olive oil in a large pan until the onions are translucent and just browned. Remove from heat and add in the tomato sauce, beans, picante, and chili powder. Add back to the heat and stir to mix. Mash about 1/3 of the beans in the pan and stir back in to thicken the mixture. Cook on the stovetop for about 5 minutes until the sauce thickens. Remove from heat.
Spray a small sauté pan with cooking spray, and cook each egg separately so they spread over the pan in a single layer and just set. Remove each egg and stack on a plate.
To make each huevos burrito, scoop about ¾ cup of bean filling into the center of each egg and roll up into a log. Place each rolled egg next to each other in a glass cooking dish. Sprinkle the top with cheese. Place under a broiler for 3-4 minutes until the cheese is completely melted.
Note: this recipe makes plenty of bean filling, so the recipe can be expanded for more eggs.

Team Delpy

I still have the hots for Ms. Julie Delpy. At 44, she is as beautiful as ever.

Forgive me. I suppose some context is definitely in order here.

I decided that this year, since we are now in the Oscar playoffs, I would actually make a concerted effort to watch the major contenders so I would have a team to root for come the Oscar Bowl…I mean the Academy Awards. I always talk a big game about being a movie buff, but last year…and the year before…I entered the playoffs (nominations) with no stakes in the game. This year, I plan to be part of the loyal fan base.

It isn’t easy. I missed many of the nominated pictures during their first run, partly because my wife and I save the expense of seeing movies in the theater for the big blockbusters, those movies that truly require Surround Sound for the full artistic effect. I also missed a lot of these movies because my wife tends to favor “things go boom” movies over character-driven dramas. Although I did persuade her to see “American Hustle” with me, she only acquiesced because it starred Jeremy Renner and Bradley Cooper, and I can only play the eye candy card so many times. Whereas, I personally loved the film (and not just for Amy Adams eye-popping dresses), my wife informed me that she was picking our next date night movie.

So, now I’m on my own to plan out my viewing strategy for the playoffs. Some I will see with my oldest son (e.g., “Gravity” and “Captain Phillips”), some I will see on my own (e.g., “The Wolf of Wall Street”), and some I will see late at night on DVD after everyone else has gone to bed (e.g., “Before Midnight”)

Tonight I finished “Before Midnight” which has been nominated for Best Writing, Adapted Screenplay. I truly hope it wins.

To be fair, I was already a fan of Richard Linklater’s previous films in the trilogy, “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset”. All the films are basically an extended conversation between an American man (Ethan Hawke) and a French woman (Julie Delpy) who meet on a train in the first movie, find each other nine years later in the second movie, and face the trials and tribulations of real live parenting, cross-continent custody battles, and mid-life romance nine years later in the third. All three movies are fascinating, endearing, and way more engrossing than you would expect from movies about people talking. But the writing is so fantastic, the timing is so flawless, the chemistry between the characters so natural, that you are immediately pulled into their stories.

And, of course, the movies star the luminous Julie Delpy, with whom I have a slight infatuation.

I am continuing my way down the list of Academy Award contenders. Sure, I won’t have seen all of the Best Picture nominees by March 2, but my goal is to have seen enough of them to talk turkey at the water cooler the week before. “Sure, Captain Phillips, has Hanks, who has had a pretty good season, but it’s no match for Gravity’s long pass. Or is this the year that American Hustle throws the Hail Mary in hopes that the Academy goes for a comic drama?”

Oh yeah. I positively ooze street cred.

Ginger Lemon Islands

Last month, my wife had a dream in which she invented a dessert. I took the basic idea of the dessert from her dream, tweaked it here and there (eg, replaced the clotted cream with whipped cream, changed the blueberry cream to lemon cream, made the whole thing egg and gluten free), and I came up with the following recipe.

I submitted the dessert to a recipe contest but didn't win. That's all right. It's still a good dessert, and I recommend you all try it, particularly if you are looking for something new, different, and gluten free.

Note: I'm not actually going completely gluten free, but I'm working up to the anti-inflammatory diet, and I needed some new recipes. So, here's another. Also, although this recipe is not sugar-free, I have cut the sugar dramatically by using dates. It works. It works well.

GINGER LEMON ISLANDS

Cookie:

• ¾ cup dates
• ¾ cup shortening
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 1 tablespoon ground fresh ginger
• 1½ cup almond flour
• ½ cup coconut flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• ½ teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoons cinnamon
• 1 teaspoons ground ginger
• Extra granulated sugar

Lemon whipped cream:

• 2 cup pasteurized heavy cream
• 2 tablespoon lemon juice
• 4 teaspoons fresh lemon zest
• 4 tablespoons sugar
• 1 pint fresh blueberries
• Mint leaves for garnish

Preheat oven to 350 deg F.

Soak dates in hot water for at least 15 minutes. Drain and soak again in hot water for another 15 minutes. Remove liquid and puree dates in a food processor, adding back just enough soaking water to make a thick puree. Add shortening, sugar, molasses, and fresh ginger to the dates in the food processor and pulse to cream ingredients together.

Mix together dry ingredients. Add dry ingredients to food processor and pulse to mix together. To make each cookie, roll a ball of dough one inch in diameter in granulated sugar to coat completely. Press the ball between two pieces of waxed paper in a tortilla press or with a rolling pin so that the dough is flattened to about three times the original diameter. Carefully remove the cookie from the waxed paper and place on a baking sheet with a piece of baking parchment. Bake cookies for five to six minutes until barely golden brown, flip cookies, and bake another two to three minutes, making sure not to overbake. Once the cookies are baked, let them cool on the baking sheet for five minutes, and then transfer them to a rack to cool completely.

To make the lemon whipped cream, mix the cream, lemon juice, zest, and two tablespoons of sugar together and beat until the cream makes stiff peaks.

When ready to serve, spread two tablespoons of whipped cream on each cookie and add blueberries and a sprig of mint.

Makes about 32 cookies.

Curry Lentil Wontons

So, there I was on Christmas day celebrating someone else's holiday with my family by hiding away in our house. I didn't want to go out for the stereotypical Chinese meal, and even if I did, my wife is not terribly fond of Chinese food. Indian food, on the other hand...that's a whole different story. We all love Indian food.

Indian food is the new Chinese. But I felt a tug toward my stereotypical heritage and felt that I had to bridge the two cultures together. So, I developed the recipe below to celebrate two nationalities not my own on a holiday not my own. Nondenominational deity bless America!

Curry Lentil Wontons

• ½ cup onion, finely chopped
• 2 roma tomatoes, finely chopped
• 2 tsp fresh ginger root
• 1 cup dried red lentils
• 1 cup brown rice
• 2 tsp madras curry powder
• ½ tsp cinnamon
• ¼ tsp salt or to taste
• 1 package wonton wrappers
• Enough canola or peanut oil to deep fry

Sort through the lentils to remove any stones, and rinse and drain the lentils. Saute the onions, tomato, and ginger in 1 tablespoon of oil until the onions are translucent. Remove from heat and add 2 cups of water and 1 cup of lentils. Return to medium heat and cook for about 30 minutes or just until the water is absorbed and the lentils are soft. In the last five to ten minutes of cooking, add the curry powder, cinnamon, and salt. While the lentils are cooking, cook the brown rice in a separate pot in two cups of water. When both rice and lentils are fully cooked, mix the two together.

Heat a couple of inches of oil in a small pot to 350 degrees F. Dampen two edges of the square wonton wrapper with water. Place one tablespoon of filling in the center of the wonton wrapper and fold diagonally, sealing the edges. Fold the corners of the triangle over and press down gently to maintain the shape. Fry each wonton in the oil just until the skin is light brown. Transfer to a rack or paper towels to drain. Serve with tamarind sauce.

NOTE: I'm sure my way of folding the wontons is nowhere near traditional, but it works for me. If you have a better way to fold, go for it. Where melding cultures here anyway. Nothing is sacrosanct.

Musings on the Hilly Hundred

According to America’s Health Ratings, Indiana was ranked 41st in overall health and 42nd specifically in physical inactivity . Therefore, it’s heartening to discover that the hard core bicycling community is still going strong in central Indiana. This weekend marked the 46th annual Hilly Hundred, a challenging bike tour in which 5,000 entrants mostly from Indiana bike 100 miles in two days through the hills of southern Indiana, climbing over 6700 feet total. It’s a moderate challenge to the uber racers, a major challenge to the super riders, and a grueling ordeal to everyone else. I should know since I just completed my 4th Hilly. Cue dramatic music.

Of course, the weekend is immense fun. They feed you, fête you, and cheer you on. The rest stops have donuts, muffins, apples, bananas, cider, and granola bars. Lunch is a modest affair, but there is plenty of food available, even for vegetarians like me. They give you ice cream, bands play at the rest stops, you get a t-shirt, and the vendors in the vendor tent separate you from your money an artistic flair. And then they kick your butt throughout the hills of Indiana.

Here are some semi-random thoughts and observations regarding the weekend.

Be proud of your accomplishments. My goals for the Hilly Hundred were to a) finish the entire ride, b) not be the last person to finish, and c) ride (not walk) the ENTIRE ride. And yes, I did all three. I rode up Mt. Tabor without walking, all 0.2 miles of 20% spank your bottom grade. And I rode up the hills in Bean Blossom, all 2.0 miles of slap your face. Of course, since all the other riders are also riding these hills, I have to go back home before I get any real appreciation.

There is always someone faster than you and someone slower than you. I try not to judge my progress by how many people pass me on the road, but sometimes it’s difficult, especially when half the ride is zooming past me, and the other half would zoom past me if they hadn't started at 10:00am instead of 8:00am. So, I can’t help but feel some personal pride every time I pass another rider. Of course, the riders I passed included a 70 year-old woman, a 12-year old boy, a guy on a unicycle, and another guy fixing his tire.

The Hilly is a great time to make new friends. This year, I rode part of the Saturday run with an attractive 23-year old chemist. She told me that she is a runner much more than a bike rider, which I could pretty much tell by the lack of any fat on her body. Nonetheless, she dusted me on most of the hills. I took a small amount of pride in passing her when coasting down the hill. I told my wife that this was because I had a superior bike. “You don’t think it had something to do with the mass differential?” she asked. “Shut up,” I suggested helpfully.

Wind is not your friend. Or rain. Or cold. On Saturday we had all three. So, I had a second donut to make up for it. It kind of helped.

The Hilly is a great time to meet up with old friends. I have some friends that I literally see once a year at the ride. We typically start together, and they proceed to leave me in the dust. But they meet up with me at the rest stops, and we talk about our past year. Today, one of my friends was talking about his new bike. I mentioned that the bike can make all the difference. I told them about the young lady I rode with yesterday, and how my superior bike coasted past her on the downhill. “I think that has more to do with the difference in weight than the bike,” my friend commented. “Shut up, “ I suggested helpfully.

Sometimes it is all about the physics. Last year, I asked my coworker, an avid biker, how I could improve my speed without getting a new bike. “You know,” he said with a smile, “it’s usually more about the rider than it is the bike. You have to improve your legs and reduce your center of gravity.” So, this year at the vendor tent, I bypassed the fancy new tires and frames and handlebars , and I looked for someone selling new legs. Can you believe it? No one was selling. What’s up with that? I was so disappointed. The best I could do was lower my center of gravity. So, I had another pumpkin spice donut.

You are never too old to ride the Hilly Hundred. I don’t have any official statistics, but my unscientific assessment is that the median age of the riders was about 48. There were lots of young, college-age uber racers in their full regalia, but there were plenty of men and women in their 60s zooming past me as well. Of course, many of them have paid off their mortgages, so they can pour more money into their bikes and equipment. Yeah, I’m sure that’s why the portly old man was passing me on the hill. Either that, or he found the vendor selling the new legs.