King Ahasuerus's Midnight Band

Let’s be fair. I’m not a real musician.

Oh, I can sing pretty well, certainly well enough for our synagogue choir and well enough to have served as a lay cantor for a small congregation in Colorado about decade ago. Sure, I can read music, and once upon a time, I could play mellophone well enough to play second horn in the IU Marching Hundred. But I don’t have that enviable ability to pick up an instrument (or, in the case of a piano, sit down at an instrument) and lead the assembled throng in a rousing chorus of Flight of the Valkyries. Or Kumbaya. Nor do I have the ability to write a wildly creative song a week and publish it to the Web with full orchestral back-up, a la Jonathan Coulton.

However, having said all that, I have to tell you all...I wrote a song. This all stems from my yearly rant about Purim music; my annual complaint about the appalling lack of good holiday songs and albums. It is hard enough trying to find Chanukah music, but Purim music? Feh. Here we have a holiday ripe with intrigue, silliness, love, passion, hatred, violence, royalty, heroism, etc. And the best we can come up with is “Oh, today we’ll merry, merry be and nosh some hamantaschen.”

Retch.

So, I finally put my money where my mouth is and wrote a song for Purim. It follows my four cardinal rules for Chanukah songs modified slightly for Purim:

1. It should not retell the story of Purim.


2. It should not compare Purim to Mardi Gras.


3. It's sole purpose should not be to retread an old joke.


4. I should be able to listen to it in July without vomiting.

Is it a brilliant song, written with lyrical poetry, astute political commentary, and technically sound musicality? Probably not. But I think it’s kind of catchy, and it talks about King Ahasuerus’s week long party, a topic that has been sadly overlooked in most Purim songs. Besides, it uses every software trick in my Windows XP arsenal, which sadly, isn’t a whole lot. However, I would like to recommend a piece of freeware called MuseScore, which is an excellent musical notation software.

Herein lies my challenge to you all. I am releasing my song to the wilds of the Internet for any of you to cover. I am publishing it under the Winicur Music copyright, although since I don’t own a legal copyright on the name, it propably won’t do me much good in court. So, for now, I won’t require any royalties from you as long as you give the song an interesting treatment: reorchestration, a new lead vocalist, a snappy new video, or all three. I have written the lyrics below, and I will send you the notated music if you ask me politely. I do ask, however, that any use of this song properly reference me with the following attribution, “Wildly clever music and lyrics by Zev Winicur.”

Chag Sameach.


Click on the play button above to play the song.


King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band

From India to Ethiopia
One hundred twenty-seven provinces
The Persian-Median sovereign
One hundred eighty days of promises

Come all you noblemen
Come all you common men
Come all you gentleman throughout the land
Come see the majesty
Come see the pageantry
King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band

One week of partying
One week of reveling
One week of dancing in the desert sand
One week of gluttony
One week debauchery
King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band

Persian nights are waiting
Stop procrastinating
Start anticipating
Stay a while

Wine is freely flowing
Golden treasures glowing
Dancing girls are showing
Off their smiles

Tables of golden plates
Tables of figs and dates
Tables of luscious grapes peeled by hand
Tables of jasmine rice
Tables of exotic spice
King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band

Music with harmony
Music with symphony
Music with melodies free and planned
Music that celebrates
Music that syncopates
King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band

Persian nights are waiting
Stop procrastinating
Start anticipating
Stay a while

Wine is freely flowing
Golden treasures glowing
Dancing girls are showing
Off their smiles

There's no waiting list
Be a hedonist
At King Ahasuerus’s Midnight Band!

Lemon Almond Scones

Enough with the ranting. It's time to get back into the holiday spirit. Here is an original recipe for lemon almond scones. I cut them into Star of David shapes to make them festive for Chanukah.

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

6 tablespoons unsalted butter, chilled

3 tablespoons powdered milk

6 tablespoons lemon juice

1 large egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon almond extract

1 cup slivered almonds

1 egg mixed with 2 teaspoons of water

Preheat oven to 375 deg F.

In a large bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. With a pastry blender, cut the butter into the flour mixture until it resembles coarse crumbs. In a small bowl, stir together the lemon juice, powdered milk, egg, vanilla extract, and almond extract. Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture.

Grease a baking sheet with oil or shortening. Sprinkle some flour on a sheet of waxed paper and spread out the dough on the paper. With a floured rolling pin, roll out the dough to 1/2 inch thickness. Using a biscuit cutter or a Star of David cookie cutter, cut out individual scones and place them on the baking sheet at least 2 inches from each other. Baste each scone with the egg mixture, and sprinkle almonds over each scone.

Bake for 10-12 minutes until they are lightly browned and slightly firm to the touch (or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean).

Remove the baking sheet to a wire rack and cool for 5 minutes. Using a spatula, transfer the scones to the wire rack to cool.

Makes about 20 small scones.

Annual Chanukah Rant

And now for my annual Chanukah rant.

Why are there so few quality commercial songs for Chanukah? For an industry long dominated by Jews, you would think we would have tossed ourselves a bone every now and then. I feel like the cobbler's children...never wearing good shoes because the cobbler sells all the good ones.

To be fair, percentage-wise there are very few quality Christmas songs as well. The difference is that Christmas has sheer volume on its side. For every 1000 pieces of Christina Aguilera/ Vanessa Hudgens/ Perry Como holiday treacle, the industry produces at least 10 pieces that you wouldn't mind hearing the other eleven months of the year, such as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Wizards in Winter (although even that has pretty much run itself into the ground).

I have four basic rules for judging the quality of commercial Chanukah music:

1. It should not retell the story of Chanukah.


2. It should not compare Chanukah to Christmas.


3. It's sole purpose should not be to retread an old joke.


4. I should be able to listen to it in July without vomiting.

For example, Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song violates rule #2 and comes close to violating rule #3. In fact, by now the song has been so overplayed, that it has become a joke of itself.

Mama Doni's song Chanukah Fever breaks rules #1, #2, and #4, although I might listen to it again just to hear the word "latkefied."

Chanukah in Santa Monica, an old song by Tom Lehrer, religously follows every one of the rules to the letter. It tells you absolutely nothing about Chanukah, It doesn't mention Christmas at all, it finds humor in geography rather than food, neuroses, or assimilation, and I still find it funny in July. Furthermore, any song that rhymes "Shavuos" with "St. Louis" is destined for greatness.

I am willing to bend some of these rules for music that is truly innovative, entertaining, or just plain different. For example, my pick for last year's Chanukah album of the year was definitely Erran Baron Cohen's Songs in the Key of Hanukkah. To quote his Website:

The record is indeed a collection of songs that brings the ancient music of Hanukkah kicking and screaming straight into the 21st Century.

The album is collaboration between Baron Cohen and an eclectic group of Jewish musicians ranging from Ladino singer Yasmin Levy to the black orthodox Jewish rapper Y-Love. My personal vote for the breakout song of the year was Yasmin Levy's Ocho Kandelikas who puts more passion into a single word than the rest of us put into our entire honeymoon. However, my family voted for Baron Cohen's own "Dreidel" which took what could have been simply another rehash of "I Had a Little Dreidel" and made it innovative, interesting, and very cool.

But that was last year. What is the breakout album or song for 2009/5770?

I personally am leaning toward Senator Orrin Hatch's Hanukkah Song. Hatch resides far, far outside my own political Zip code, but I love the idea of a Mormon U.S. senator writing the lyrics to a Chanukah song, putting the song to music by a Jewish woman who writes Christian songs in Nashville, and getting a Syrian-American woman from Terre Haute, Indiana to record it. I mean really...only in America.

I am also putting in a vote for Ocho Kandelikas by Hip Hop Hoodios because I am always willing to support a Jewish Latino Hip Hop group on novelty alone.

So, dear reader, I leave it to you. Who am I missing? What is the best new Chanukah song or album for 2009?

Happy Chanukah!

I was not ready for Chanukah.

I think I have finally caught up with the holiday now that we are well into the third night, but it really should not have taken me this long to wrap my brain around the 25th of Kislev. I mean, we have been well into December for almost two weeks now, and I should have been marking off the days with my own Jewish version of an Advent calendar.

Excecpt that I didn't. Maybe my subconscious was rebelling against the over-hyping of the December holiday season, and I was trying to place the holiday in its proper medium-grade cultural and religious context by reducing my anticipation. Or perhaps my brain was focusing on the imagery of the final night with all the candles burning bright instead of the first night with its scintilla of illumination. Or maybe I just haven't been getting enough sleep these days.

To make matters worse, we can't find all of our best Chanukiot (Chanukah menorahs), and we are relegated to a palsley two. I have until the end of the holiday to find the rest of the chanukiot so we can appropriately celebrate what I lovingly refer to as, "The Fire Hazard Night."

Thankfully, the holiday lasts eight nights, which gives me time to catch up. I've already made latkes and sufganiyot. I've already played dreidel with my kindergarten students. I've already watched my children open up two nights of presents. I think I've caught up to the holiday.

All I need now is a small paper fire on the mantel, and the holiday will be completely kosher.

Noah's Ark Class Poster

On Sunday mornings, I teach the kindergarten class at our synagogue religious school. I don't know how many PhDs in molecular biology teach kindergarten students, but I definitely believe that more of us should. Perhaps kindergarten education should be a requisite for medical and legal continuing education as well. Of course, we would call it something else, such as Advanced Studies in Humanistic Perspective.

You simply can not think too much of yourself when you teach 5 year olds. You can not take yourself too seriously when you are dancing around the classroom, flapping your arms. You can not worry about your professional image when you are reading a book that requires silly sound effects. Your students will see right through any conceit and call you on it.

That's why I have my students call me Mr. Winicur or Mr. Zev or sometimes just Zev if they can't remember the "Mr." part, but definitely not "Dr. Winicur." Protocols for honorifics are not worth their time and not worth my time. I figure that I can teach them respect for adults without confusing them about what to call whom when. Life is tough enough.

Part of my challenge is to come up with new and exciting ways to engage the students, particularly since I have such a mix of kids. Some of my kids are learning about Judaism for the VERY first time and some of them have been going to Jewish day school every day for the past three years. Some already know how to read, and some are just learning their A-B-Cs. It's a challenge.

So, whenever I come up with a new and exciting activity, I feel compelled to share it and, of course, brag about it. Just because I can't show off to them doesn't mean that I can't show off to YOU.

I call my activity the Noah's Ark Class Poster. Feel free to use it, but please reference me by name whenever you do. My name is Dr. Zev Winicur.

NOAH'S ARK CLASS POSTER

Noah's Ark is one of the best stories for kindergarteners because it bypassess all the boring theology, dogma, and philosophy, and cuts right to the fun stuff: animals and boats. Kindergarteners understand animals and boats.

Supplies:
1 piece of poster board
1 permanent marker
coloring pictures of animals (two of each animal)
coloring supplies (crayons, markers, pencils, etc.)
scissors
glue sticks

Preparation:

1. Draw an ark on the poster board. It should take up most of the posterboard. It doesn't need to look pristine, but it helps if it is vaguely boat shaped. See the picture above.


2. Find pictures of animals that can be colored in, and make two copies of each animal. Make sure that you have enough DIFFERENT animals so that there is one animal per student. I found (stole) many of my animals from various sites throughout the Web. I don't guarantee that I was not using copyrighted pictures, but I figured the chance of litigation by kindergartener was relatively low.


3. Put one stack of the animal pictures on the tables in front of the students.


4. Fold the rest of the animal pictures (the counterparts), and "hide" them around the room. You can decide how well to hide them based on whether you want this to be a remedial exercise, an afikomen hunt, or Indiana Jones's search for the Ark of the Covenant.

Implementation:

1. Have each student select a picture from the pile on the table. This is their starting animal.


2. Tell the kids that they must help Noah round up all the animals to put in the ark. To do this, they must find the other animal somewhere in the room.


3. Tell the kids (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) that the task is not complete until EVERYONE finds their animal. Therefore, if they come across an animal not their own, they should help their friends by saying, "Does anyone need a giraffe," etc.


4. Once the kids all have found two of each animal, let them color their animal and cut it out.


5. As each student finishes with their colored animals, have them glue the animals to the ark.


6. Proudly display the class poster for at least three weeks until the students get bored with it.

This was a wildly successful activity. First of all, I was able to illustrate and personalize the story of Noah hunting for two of every animal. Second, the kids learned to work together. Many of them really got into helping their friends find their animals. Third, this is a class project, not an individual project, so the kids get to see the fruits of their labor in class every day. More importantly, the parents finally get a day free of tzotchkes that must be displayed on the refrigerator until it crumbles into dust.

No wonder the parents love me.

The True Lesson of Sesame Street

With all due respect to Robert Fulghum's heartwarming book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten (some might go as far as to call it "literature of ipecac"), I think we need a companion book, All I Need to Know I Learned on Sesame Street.

For example:

• The world is a diversity of races, ethnicities, colors, and felt patterns.


• Impulse control, particularly with respect to cookies, is overrated.


• Math is fun, particularly if it is punctuated with lightning.


• Corporate sponsorship is ubiquitous ("This episode was brought to you by the letter 'R', and the number '12.'")

However, I think two of the most important lessons are:

• Know the people in your neighborhood.


• Surround your personal experience with people from many ethnicities, socio-economic statuses, and ESPECIALLY professions.
  

This second point is most crucial. Too often, we are constrained by our own professions and social groups. We are afraid to make friends outside our comfort zones. It is vitally important that we extend ourselves. Our social networks should include business people, medical professionals, lawyers, taxi drivers, police, firefighters, teachers, computer programmers, and artists. How else can we gain a balanced perspective of the world? How else can we teach our children about infinite diversity?

How else can we barter favors or seek free advice?

Let me put it this way...if I know that if I have a legal problem, medical problem, security problem, or computer problem, I have people I can contact who will point me in the right direction, even if they can't directly help me.

That is the true lesson of Sesame Street.

Repo! The Genetic Opera - WTF?

Yes, kids...WTF means "What the fooey?" Just ask your parents.

My wife and I found the perfect Halloween movie...one that left us scratching our heads and asking each other, "Did we just share the same hallucination?" The movie is called "Repo! The Genetic Opera". It is a goth sci-fi horror rock opera. And you know that you just don't run into many of those at the family theatre these days

The movie has an impressive cast: Alexa Vega (definitely moving past her Spy Kids years), Anthony Stewart Head (very reminiscent of his Buffy the Vampire Slayer work), Paul Sorvino, Sarah Brightman, and a cast of others I had never heard of before. It also stars Paris Hilton perfectly cast as a character who needs to look alternately trampy and vapid. Not so much "vampy" as "trampid."

The backdrop of the movie, a goth sci-fi horror rock opera, is definitely original. In the future, an epidemic of organ failures devasted the planet and GeneCo, a multi-billion dollar biotech company, emerged. GeneCo supplies organ transplantation for a profit, and the company offers financing for those who can not afford new organs. Of course, if you can not make your payments, an organ repo man comes to collect your organs. Due to a bill passed by Congress, organ repossesion (carried out by skilled assassin surgeons) is now legal.

Onto this rather gruesome cinematic canvas comes a bizarre story of Nathan Wallace, an organ repo man (Anthony Stewart Head) who's daughter (Alexa Vega) has a rare blood disease that she's been told she inherited from her mother. She doesn't know that her dad is a legal assassin and not a doctor as he claims, but as she escapes from her room, which has become her prison both methaphorically and practically, she starts to discover just how dangerous the world is around her.

The president of GeneCo, Rotti Largo, is dying and must find an heir. Too bad his children are all murderous, psychotic nincompoops (this is my description, not his...you can't use "nincompoop" in a goth sci-fi horror rock opera). And, as you will find out, Rotti is not only Nathan's boss but responsible for the death of his wife 17 years ago...even though Nathan blames himself for her death.

Oh, and there's a graverobber who steals dead bodies to steal their fluids to make Zydrate, a cheap, highly addictive pain killer used by people who are addicted to multiple surgeries.

At this point, you are either a) curious about the idea, b) totally sold on the concept, or c) already losing your lunch in the toilet just at my description. If you are c), you should probably skip this one, particularly since it was made by the producers of the "Saw" movies. It is definitely not a movie that I could in good conscious call "good" or even "above average," but it is definitely engaging, enthralling, and very, very different.

It has Anthony Stewart Head who is a fine actor who can alternately do bookish everyman, hardened psychotic killer, and rock singer...and have you believe all three. It has Sarah Brightman, who lends some gravitas to the opera part of the rock opera. It has Alexa Vega, who is a rising pop star and effective actress in her own right. It has Paul Sorvino playing the bad guy and singing (who knew?). And it has Paris Hilton. But frankly she doesn't get in the way of the experience as much as you would think.

It is an experience. Whether you find it a good experience, bad experience, or overly medicated experience depends a lot on you. But no matter who you are, you will definitely come out of the movie asking, "What the fooey?"