The Persian Academy Awards
A Purim Shpiel
Cast:
REUVEN SEACREST
SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS
ESTHER
MORDECAI
HAMAN
VASHTI
MEMUCAN
HEGAI
BIGTHAN
TERESH
ORCHESTRA
REUVEN SEACREST:
Welcome to the Persian Academy
Awards! I’m Reuven Seacrest. Tonight we pay tribute to the most influential
movers and shakers of the Megillat Esther. We honor the bravest, the brightest,
the hottest, the cleverest, and the most talented. We applaud audacity,
tenacity, veracity, and mendacity.
But first, who is that coming down
the red carpet! It’s Queen Esther herself? Esther, can we get a word from you?
ESTHER: Sure!
REUVEN SEACREST: Can we
get more than one word from you?
ESTHER: You
bet!
REUVEN
SEACREST: So, Esther. You are up for Best
Female Protagonist in a Leading Role. Some say you are a shoe-in for your
bravery and the fact that you may have saved the entire Persian Jewish
population from annihilation. The word on the street is that your cunning,
quick thinking, and self-sacrifice prevented one of the worst massacres of our
time.
ESTHER: Gosh! Thank you.
REUVEN
SEACREST: So, naturally, I have to ask
you...who are you wearing?
ESTHER: Well, naturally when I
realized that my life meant nothing if my people were destroyed, I knew I had
to act and…what? Wearing? Oh, uh, this is a gown by Elishava, the hot new
designer from Ethiopia. Note the strands of ebony and gold sequins that
highlight the stripes of black and white.
REUVEN
SEACREST: Black and white? Really, I would
have said blue and orange. Well, no matter. Look over there! It’s Haman, the
former primer minister of the Persian Empire, second only to the big man
Ahasuerus himself. Haman, can we have a word with you?
HAMAN: No.
REUVEN
SEACREST: Wonderful! So, tell me Haman,
you are up for Best Villain in a Leading Role. The tabloids are buzzing with
the sheer audacity of your plan to bamboozle a king and eliminate an entire
people, solely because of a centuries old clan war. Some say the intricacy of
your scheme is only matched by your sheer hatred of Jews. So naturally, I have
to ask…who are you wearing?
HAMAN: No one. I don’t have
anyone’s skin wrapped around me. Yet.
REUVEN
SEACREST: Sure. but I mean that hat you’re
wearing. That’s quite an interesting hat? What can you tell us about it?
HAMAN: It has three corners. Duh.
Otherwise it wouldn’t be mine.
REUVEN
SEACREST: Of course! Oh, and it sounds
like the show is about to start. Let’s send it over to Shpiel Pinchas Harris.
SHPIEL PINCHAS
HARRIS: Thank you Reuven. Welcome everyone to the 1st Annual Persian
Academy Awards. I’m your host Shpiel Pinchas Harris. Welcome to the show where
we honor the best and goyist…uh whitest…uh brightest! I am excited, delighted,
and thrilled to announce the winners of our most respected and revered award,
The Ahasher. Tonight we honor the bravest heroes, the nastiest villains, and in
a previously taped segment that will never see the light of day, all the
artists, editors, composers, and writers who actually made the Megillah happen.
But who cares about them? On with the show!
EVERYONE: OPENING
SONG: CHAG PURIM
Chag
Purim, Chag Purim, Chag gadol hu la y’hudim
Masechot,
ra’ashanim, z’mirot rikudim
Havah
narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!
Havah
narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!
Havah
narishah Rash! Rash! Rash!
Ba-ra-a-shanim
SHPIEL PINCHAS
HARRIS: Here to announce our first award is Memucan, King Ahasuerus’s personal
advisor.
MEMUCAN: Thank
you, Shpiel. The award for Best Male Protagonist in a Leading Role goes to the
man who most influenced the story of Purim. The first nominee for this award is
King Ahahasuerus, the most powerful of kings, the most awesome of leaders,
whose reign stretches to one hundred and twenty-seven provinces as far as
Persia and Media. The second nominee is Mordechai, some Jewish guy from
Shushan. And the Ahasher goes to…what? Mordechai, the Jewish guy!
AHASUERUS: Awesome, dude! Like I am so stoked
about winning this award. This is most excellent, and I…
MEMUCAN: Uh, sire?
AHASUERUS: What, man? Why are you ruining my
speech? That’s like, totally heinous.
MEMUCAN: Um, uh, it was Mordechai who won.
The, uh, academy chose Mordechai.
AHASUERUS: Bogus, man.
MORDECHAI: Thank you, I’ll take that award.
I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank Esther, my cousin, whose
bravery was an inspiration to all of us. I’d like to thank my father Jair, son
of Shimei, son of Kish. And I’d like to thank my mother Sally. I’d like to
thank all the people of Shushan for believing in me, for believing in my dream
of a united Persia between all peoples…
ORCHESTRA: (Humming any Purim tune) La la la
la la la!
SHPIEL PINCHAS HARRIS: Aaaand, we’re back.
Here to announce the second award is Hegai, the king’s eunuch. Boy, talk about
a job I would never ever want to get.
HEGAI: It’s not so bad, really.
SHPIEL PINCHAS
HARRIS: Really?
HEGAI: No, I lie. It stinks.
Anyway, the first nominee for Best Female Protagonist in a Leading Role is
Queen Esther, the brave, beautiful young lady who risked it all to save her
people. The second nominee is Queen Vashti, the now banished queen who turned
refusal of a king’s order into a feminist rallying cry. And the Ahasher goes
to…Queen Esther!
VASHTI: Typical.
AHASUERUS: So, like, I’d like to thank the
Academy, and…what? Aw, man, again? That’s totally gnarly, man.
VASHTI: Sisters unite! Fight the
patriarchy! Fight the establishment! Fight the real enemy! I should have been
the winner, not some obsequious little brat. I stick my neck out, and I get banished. She sticks her neck out,
and she gets half the kingdom. Is that fair?
ESTHER: Thank you, everyone. Thank
you. I’d like to thank the Academy, and I’d like to thank my handsome king, and
I’d like to thank my cousin Mordechai, and I’d like to thank Hegai the eunuch
who did wonders for my hair and wardrobe, and…and…and, I’d like to thank all
the little people back in Shushan who I’m sure played their little role in all
of this, and I’d like…
ORCHESTRA: (Humming any Purim tune) La la la
la la la!
SHPIEL PINCHAS
HARRIS: Oh, I could listen to that woman talk all night. And we almost did.
Well, here to announce our final award are Bigthan and Teresh, the king’s most
disreputable and evil guards.
BIGTHAN: Oh, you’re gonna make me
blush. But enough about me. The first nominee for Best Villain is Haman, the
former prime minister of all Persia who lied about the Jews to the king and
plotted their complete annihilation. The second nominee is Zeresh, Haman’s
greedy wife who…
TERESH: It should have been us, you
know. We should have received a nomination.
BIGTHAN: What?
TERESH: I mean, we were going to
kill the king. How amazingly bad is that, right? But no, we don’t get a
nomination because we weren’t even considered important enough to have any
lines. We plot to kill the king, and we don’t get any lines.
BIGTHAN: Well, you’re sure talking now.
Can I read the winner yet?
TERESH: Sure. Go ahead. Do what you
got to do.
BIGTHAN: And the Ahasher goes to…Haman,
the most evil man in the entire Purim story!
HAMAN: I’d like to thank the
Academy…
ORCHESTRA: (Humming any Purim tune) La la la
la la la!
HAMAN: Hey, I wasn’t done…
ORCHESTRA: (Humming louder) La la la la la
la!!!
HAMAN: Fine.
SHPIEL PINCHAS
HARRIS: Good night, everyone, and thank you for joining us!
